Open adoption definition: An adoption that involves ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families, including visits. (http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/adoption-and-foster-care-glossary-open-adoption.html)
Hello! My name is Camille and I am the adoptive mother of five beautiful children who are all biologically related via their birth mother. Mariel asked me to answer a few questions about how we keep an open dialogue with our children and how we answer questions about their adoption, birth parents, and how they came to be members of our family.
At the beginning of the year I started writing a blog chronicling my own journey as an adoptive mother and what I have learned over the past 12 years of this open adoption relationship. http://www.theadoptivemother.blogspot.com/
If you want to check it out, make sure to begin with “Our Story – Part One!”
I am the first to admit that I don’t have all the answers when it comes to open adoption, especially as no two situations are the same, but I believe open adoption from my own experience has benefited all the parties involved. My children know their birth mother, they know their birth grandmother and they have also met other biologic family members throughout the years. My children’s birth mother has also found comfort knowing where her children are, how they are doing and that they are happy.
The following is a quote from my children’s birth mother:
“{They} have been great about letting me see the kids, to be a part of their lives, which has also made placing the kids easier because I knew that I could still see them from time to time, that the kids weren’t totally gone, I would know how they are doing, I would never question if they were ok, if they were happy. I am glad that we have an open adoption, I am so thankful to {them} for letting me be a part of their lives. Thank you for your site and for the blog, it really helps me to see where you were coming from, after all of this time to hear this gives me new insight that I think helps me heal.”
~ Four of my children with their birth mother at dinner last Monday ~
A few days ago we were able to meet with my children’s birth mother ~ it has been over a year since we saw her and the children were very excited to give her cards and presents and see how she is doing. We talk about her frequently at home and they call her by her first name. Sometimes out of the blue one of my children will ask about her and wonder how she is doing, and sometimes they ask if she misses them… I include pictures of her in their photo albums and even my youngest daughter (who is three) can point to her picture and knows that she is a special person.
“Open adoption is important it can provide a sense of roots and continuity not seen in confidential placements. With secrecy, feelings of shame and inadequacy begin to dissolve.”
Credits: Ellen A. Roseman
They know she is their birth mother, they know they are adopted, but they also know how much they are loved. The relationship with their birth mother is something that helps my children connect with their past and their future and is part of their life history. I think it helps fill the “void” and the answer some of the unknown questions that adoptive children face.
“For every birth mother who feels coerced by meeting and developing a relationship with the people who might be adopting her baby, there is at least one birth mother who feels supported emotionally, and relieved to know that if she chooses adoption, her child will be raised by people whom she knows and trusts. I think rather than trying to say ‘Birth mothers should always have contact with prospective adoptive parents’ or ‘Birth mothers should never have contact with prospective adoptive parents,’ it’s better to look at the variety of experiences and say, ‘What are the risks here, and what are the benefits?’ ”
~ Lois Melina, adoptive mother and co-author of The Open Adoption Experience, Adopted Child
For us, the benefits of open adoption definitely outweighed the risks.
A few months ago I did a guest post for “Or So She Says” about having “nights” with my children. The basic premise is that each of my children has a certain night that is assigned to them where we stay up late talking or just doing something fun. It is an opportunity to spend quality time one-on-one with my children. The reason I started doing this was because my children had a lot of questions about their birth mother and birth father. Because of the age differences between my children, I didn’t feel I could give everyone the same answer. My oldest son was adopted when he was 3 ½ so he knew his birth mother and grandmother and had a special relationship with them, so his questions were deeper and more probing. He was ready to hear more, so we started talking at bedtime about his birth mother and why he came to live with us or anything that he wanted to ask about.
My children looking at picture books of themselves and their birth parents.
My children still have so many questions and sometimes their questions are hard to answer and sometimes I don’t have the answer. I try to take cues from my children’s questions and base my answer on how much they are able to handle at the time. I have found that being honest (even if it is painful for me) has been the best way to go. That doesn’t mean that I give every detail (because some of the details are better left unsaid), but if my children ask me a simple question, I try to give them a simple, honest answer. I have to admit that with life being so busy; it is really easy to miss opportunities to talk with my children, so I also try to look for times when I have a quiet minute alone with them such as driving in the car, fixing their hair or doing chores together.
My own theory is that by cultivating this open adoption relationship my children will experience fewer feelings of loss and abandonment. I also wanted my children to hear the facts from me as their mother, and not from someone else who might misrepresent the information.
Adopted children will want to talk about their adoption and parents should encourage this process. Several excellent children’s story books are available in bookstores and libraries which can help parents tell the child about being adopted. Children have a variety of responses to the knowledge that they are adopted. Their feelings and responses depend on their age and level of maturity. The child may deny the adoption or create fantasies about it. Frequently, adopted children hold onto beliefs that they were given away for being bad or may believe that they were kidnapped. If the parents talk openly about the adoption and present it in a positive manner, these worries are less likely to develop.
Keeping an open dialogue is helpful no matter what the family dynamic may be.
Here are 10 helpful tips for you in talking with children about any difficult topic:
Start early.
Initiate conversations with your child.
(…Even about sex and sexuality.)
Create an open environment.
Communicate your own values.
Listen to your child.
Try to be honest.
Be patient.
Use everyday opportunities to talk.
Talk about it again. And, again.
Initiate conversations with your child.
(…Even about sex and sexuality.)
Create an open environment.
Communicate your own values.
Listen to your child.
Try to be honest.
Be patient.
Use everyday opportunities to talk.
Talk about it again. And, again.
Good luck and happy talking!
- Camille
Mariel
Owner & Author at Or so she says...
Mariel (mahr-eeee-elle) is a mother to six, wife to one. Loves homeschooling, golfing, cupcakes, traveling, cuddling, non-fiction books, gardening, James Taylor, family time, and a sexy wedge. This is her blog. Enjoy!
@orsoshesays
Blogger, Promoting Motherhood, Creativity, Great Ideas, Good Food, and Family Values. http://www.oneshetwoshe.com
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Wow, an open adoption is great for some. I guess it depends on the situation. My oldest two children are adopted and we chose not to keep contact with the birth family. It was just not a good situation. (Foster care type thing.)My daughter is very aware of the situation and adoption, but my son is not. i always ponder how we will discuss this.
Thank you Camille for sharing your open adoption story. I am the older sister of three adopted siblings. My family did open adoptions as well. Unfortunately it did not last. The birth families either were not consistent in their contact or chose not to continue. It warms my heart to know that your experience has been a positive on going one for you and your family. I look forward to reading more of your blog.
I’m not going to lie, I’m anti-adoption. I’m an adult adoptee, and no, I did not have an unhappy childhood.
That being said, I am glad that you embrace the original identity and heritage of your children. I am glad that they have an on-going, open relationship with their original family and First Mother. I had a closed adoption and no connection to my roots, anyone who looked like me (yes, that matters–a lot), and no on-going family medical history (not fun when you discover a tumor). I had a need to know my First Mother that had no way of being met, and it was painful. No, I did not communicate this need to my parents growing up; I didn’t know how to. There are no words to describe that wound of seperation or how to repair it. It’s just there; it has no labels. I am reunited with her now at the age of 24.
I don’t believe there is anything “better left unsaid” (and I’m one of those adoptees with one of *those* conceptions that people drop there jaws at, so yes-I DO understand bad circumstances). There are age-appropriate times to share everything and everyone, especially adults (because adopted children do grow up!), need the autonomy to decide for THEMSELVES that they are better off not knowing.
Although I disagree with the Melina quote, at least she admits that there are mothers who are coerced. As mothers, this should be something we all are very concerned about.
My book recommendation would be “The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adoptive Child” written by an adoptive parent.
Camille- I think its great you have a special relationship with your children’s birth mom, and that you give them the opportunity to know her. My son is adopted and ours is semi- open. We can send her pictures and letters but she will not contact us. Sometimes I wish we had more contact with her, just so when Sawyer gets older, we have more info to answer his questions. I think every situation is unique, and to choose accordingly. Great post- you have a beautiful family! Your kids are very blessed!
My husband and I have 3 adopted children, 2 from foster care who are biologically related and the 3rd is technically our niece. We’ve talked from the very beginning about adoption, both are open adoptions in their own way. We were given a great book called “Why was I Adopted? by Carole Livingston. It’s fabulous! Our two oldest often ask questions and are almost 8 and 6. They have a right to know, and this book has helped a lot.
Perfect! Thanks, Camille! I agree…I think it’s to their benefit to have an understanding of who they are and where they came from. I think it’s very self-less of you (and the birth mother…cause it’s THEIR option too) to offer them that information. You’re a great mother!
Thanks for sharing this site! What a great on going story to look forward to each day. I am not following!