As of right now I have no qualms whatsoever with my kids friends. I’m not naive enough to think I won’t ever have a problem with them (especially as they get older) but this is something that I want to know how I will handle the situation arises. Everyone is different, so here are a few ideas I got from you all!
What do you do when your child has a hard time making new friends, and their best friend isn’t your favorite?
Forbidding your kid to play with them will only want to make them be with them more. They will most likely start lying or sneaking around to be together. Whatever you do, don’t ever tell your child you don’t like their friend. That knowledge alone will push them further into the relationship.
Instead of forbidding the relationship, or bad mouthing it, set limits and boundaries. For example, let them play together, but keep them at your house. Don’t make a big deal about it, just have a reasonable and handy reason to have them play there. Limit the number of play dates in a week, or the number of times a specific friend can come over in a week or a month, or whatever time frame works best. Don’t apply these rules only to the problem friend, just make it a rule.
Try to encourage other friendships, but with caution. Kids aren’t dummies, and know what you’re doing. If your child asks to play with someone else, make it a point to say yes. If they don’t want anything to do with anyone else, try planning a play date or afternoon activity with another family.
When the stinker does come over to play, just keep tabs on things. Be careful how you do that too. Eavesdropping will only make you the enemy, so try to have activities. Have them help make cookies, or take them places like the playground or the zoo, where you are involved.
I really liked what one person said- “Teach your kids to be respectful of everyone, but you don’t necessarily have to be their buddy. I think parents can teach their kids what you expect of them and ultimately it is up to them to make good decisions. As parents, just hope we teach them and influence them enough to make good ones”.
This is what my Aunt said and I will remember this- “One thing I always tried to remember when my kids were little is that they are drawn to other kids for a reason and sometimes those kids, who we may see as a “less desirable” choice as a playmate for our kids, are kids who really need what our child and our family offered, “loving structure”. I always considered every kid who was here as one of my own and treated them that way”.
What are your experiences with this?
Mariel
@orsoshesays
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I’m 21 now and my Dad still behaves as though my boyfriend is one of those naughty kids that he doesn’t want around, but has to be nice to because he’s only naughty because his parents didn’t love him.
Which is all complete rubbish, my boyfriend is a perfectly normal young adult who treats me like a queen, and who’s parents love him, treat me like their own daughter and let him “play with whoever he wants” (albeit that some of them might be unsavoury characters), as they have done his whole life…
I like reading this blog from the strange place between being a child and being a parent! Gives me a different perspective…
I think kid’s friends can be AS influential on them as their parents. For me, it’s important that my children know to be kind to EVERYONE, but choose their close friends wisely.
If my son has a friend over that I’m not a fan of…I first have to consider WHY. If it’s simply because they may have an obnoxious personality and they are NOT a threat to the well-being of my son…then I get over it. If there are random things the friend does that break our family rules, I simply TELL them. I don’t think we need to be afraid of addressing our kid’s friends. I’ll just say, “hey, we don’t talk like that at our house, ” or “play and have fun, but when your done, I need you both to clean up.” Little comments like that can solve BIG annoyances really easily.
However, if the friend is literally a “bad influence,”…meaning, encouraging my child to participate in behavior that is immoral or illegal, I’m not okay with that. Although, I may CARE about the friend and feel sad for their situation…I have to put my family first. That’s where the part comes in where you love everyone, be kind and a good example…but, you don’t need to be their best friend.
I think a good idea would be to actually spend time talking to your child about the qualities that a good friend will have.
Tricky situations, sometimes! Great post!
this is strange timing for me… My son (and the other kids) have had some friends over the years that I was less than fond of… and we would openly talk about some of their behaviors and whether or not they wanted that kind of a friend or not. Sometimes the answer was yes, sometimes no… but ultimately I have always been proud of their ability to insist on respect from friends and walk away from friendships that were unhealthy.
and then the oldest discovered girls… ugh.
This was a great post.
My son has a crazy friend. That I am not liking very much. He is 7 years old. They live 1.5 miles away. His parents had no idea that he came. When I asked him for his phone number he didnt know it. We took him home all the lights were out. We waited and knocked on the door for 10 mins until someone answered the door. This has happened 3 times now. Plus his language.
Thanks so much!!