I’m scared… and I don’t scare easy. This October is quickly becoming one of the most terrifying months of all time. If the events in the following list don’t frighten the trousers right off of you, then I suggest you may want to have your pulse checked.
Dan’s Top 7 Reasons Why This Is the Scariest Halloween Season EVER:
#1 – Our political landscape
I am loath to wax too political, but I ask you, is there anything more fear-inducing than the US political arena this election cycle? The script reads like a shock-jock script on a daily basis. Please pinch, slap or throw ice-water in my face to wake me up from this horrific nightmare.
#2 – Hurricane Matthew
The poor Caribbean and Florida! How freaky is it that they exist in a Hurricane hallway? Florida sticks out like a hitch-hiker’s thumb just begging to go on a Hurricane ride. It has been scary to watch just how powerful Mother Nature can get when’s she’s ticked off.
#3 – Clowns
So this national scenario went from slightly creepy to full-blown out of control over the last 2 weeks. All my kids are talking about clown sightings. In fact, we had one of our very own in the Jacobs household just this last Friday. Tate, my 3rd son, dressed up as a clown (a very cute clown mind you) for a school carnival. As we drove down the street, with our windows open, some teenagers in the neighborhood saw a clown in a carseat sitting behind me and they actually screamed, “Holy crap a clown!” and sprinted into their homes. Nothing scarier than a 55 pound jolly clown with a bright green afro I suppose.
#4 – Bees being placed on the endangered list
Now here is something to really get scared about. Imagine a world where you reach for a box of cereal of what used to be called “Honey Bunches of Oats” only to see the label has been changed to “High Fructose Corn syrup Bunches of Oats”. If the bees disappear, then so does that cute little mascot for “Honey Nut Cheerios”. This is bad. Really bad. Bees cannot be allowed to go extinct. Do you really want that abominable “Honey-sauce” packets you get at KFC to become the norm?? HOLY FRICK I’M SCARED!
#5 – SNL is actually becoming slightly funny again
Somewhere buried deep in my mirth, is a bubbling horror that SNL might actually become truly funny again. This cannot be allowed to happen, because then they will make me want to watch them again, and then I am going to have to watch them grow un-funny again, and then I will have to hate them again, and then I will have to put up with another 15 years of pain waiting for them to get funny once more. This thought shivers me timbers.
#6 – One of my sons is interested in hunting
Tyler, my second son, is actually on the Elk hunt with his grandpa. I thought I had reared him better than this! Just kidding, I don’t really have anything against hunting. I just have never been. Neither have I instilled any sort of love of that sport in any of my kids. Nor do I own a gun, let alone many guns, which would necessitate a gun rack (Wayne’s World reference). I am scared that he is picking up a hobby of which I can offer him no real support other than monetary. I am also scared of how expensive a hobby hunting just might be. There is no fear like a tight-wad having to spend money kind of fear. Is this going to be the new October norm for him??
#7 – That flock of 500 crows sitting on my neighbors house
I initially thought my neighbors house had been swallowed by a black hole. Then I noticed the ebony feathers shudder in the breeze. The house and lawn were completely covered in crows! They eerily watched me with their hate-filled satanic eyes as I scooted around them, keeping as far of a distance as I could. Telepathically they screamed in unison into my mind the repeated words of “Nevermore!!” Anyone else seeing hordes of creepy crows?
So now you can see that this Halloween season is shaping up to be one of the most terrifying of all time. I am spooked beyond reason, and for good cause. I can’t wait until November! Wait a minute, that’s when the general election is! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (gurgling, wheezing and the sound of Dan’s carcass hitting the cold floor).
And for more Halloween posts, check these out: