Thoughts on Infertility:
Since infertility in any form is a sensitive subject, I feel I need to give a disclaimer that the information I’m about to share is from MY point of view. I’m not speaking for every infertile person out there and I certainly don’t claim to know everything there is to know about infertility, primary secondary or otherwise. What I do know, however, is what I went through and my feelings associated with it. That is what I’ll share. Also, I will be speaking mainly about secondary infertility because, again, that’s what I have been through. But I don’t want to discount the feelings of primary infertility either. I will try to be as sensitive as I can on both issues, but please don’t be upset if I don’t mention something you feel I should have. I know how touchy a subject infertility is and I certainly don’t want to offend.
Some background about me:
Not even a year after my husband and I were married, we decided we wanted a bigger family. I was taking the pill at the time. The very month I got off, I became pregnant. Over three months into the pregnancy, the baby died and I had to have a D&C. Because of the D&C, we had to wait at least three months for my body to recover for us to try again. We tried for a couple months following that and I became pregnant again. Though I suffered from Preeclampsia about 5 months into my pregnancy which put me on bed rest, I was able to deliver a healthy beautiful baby boy nearly full term. He is now nearly 8 years old.
When my son was about 20 months old, we were ready for another child. Because I had been so fertile in the past, I had been on the pill until we decided we wanted to try again. I got off the pill assuming I would get pregnant right away. It didn’t happen. Month after month after month went by and I didn’t get pregnant. About a year later, I finally conceived only to lose it at about 8 weeks. We tried again. Several months later I got pregnant again only to lose it almost immediately. We tried again. I got on Clomid for several months, had my doses messed with occasionally, went on progesterone to keep a pregnancy should I actually GET pregnant and did daily basal body temperature charting along with ovulation kits so I knew when I ovulated and when my fertile days would be. I was taken off Clomid for a while and then put back on Clomid and then sent to a Reproductive Endocrinologist for further testing. About this exact same time, my husband was diagnosed with stage three Metastatic Melanoma Cancer. He needed surgery right away to move the cancer and then another surgery to remove the infected lymph node area.
Shortly after that, he needed surgery to have a port catheter placed in his chest for chemotherapy administration. We knew it was possible that his sperm count may never return to normal once he started chemotherapy so we did sperm banking so that I could still pursue fertility treatments during his chemotherapy. He endured one full year of chemotherapy. We did two sessions of IUI (intra-uterine insemination) with Clomid using his frozen sperm and both were unsuccessful. I decided to have an HSG (hysterosalpingogram) to see if my tubes were blocked. My specialist conducted the test and found that though they weren’t blocked, they were poor functioning tubes. This compounded the issue I already had which was polycystic ovaries. Even though I have polycystic ovaries, I don’t have polycystic ovarian syndrome because I cycle normally. Typically women that have the syndrome cycle only once in a while and have problems with weight and sometimes facial hair growth. Against the advice of my specialist, we decided to try one more time and had success. 9 months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl just two months following my husband’s last chemo treatment.
Following my daughter’s birth, I knew I didn’t want to prevent any sort of pregnancy even if that meant I might have two children close in age. I’d take it. Month after month went by again and I never became pregnant. I was wondering if it had something to do with my husband’s chemotherapy but I wasn’t sure because we hadn’t had him retested. When my daughter was a year old, we decided to pursue fertility treatments once again. We first had my husband retested. Thankfully, his sperm counts returned to normal. Better than normal even. I knew that the problem was mine. After another costly appt. with my specialist, he recommended IUI again like last time. I did one unsuccessful round of IUI without Clomid, two unsuccessful rounds of IUI WITH Clomid and then we saw the specialist again. He recommended we either move straight to IVF (invitro fertilization) or try a couple rounds of IUI with injectable fertility drugs. We decided we could only afford ONE cycle of injectable fertility drugs and went for it. Injectable cycles are extremely costly because you have several ultrasounds and expensive medications through the course of one cycle. Nearly every other day I would drive about an hour away to my appt. for an ultrasound and get council on what to do next, what dosage of drugs to take, etc. Daily I’d give myself injections in the stomach and then when my follicles measured just right, they’d handed me a shot of HCG hormone that my husband would give to me which releases the follicles and forced my body into ovulation. 36 hours after the injection, I’d go in for an IUI and cross my fingers. Three days after that, I started progesterone supplements that not only help sustain a pregnancy but thicken the lining of the uterus which help the embryo implant. Sadly, we were unsuccessful. Since I had an HSG before getting pregnant with my daughter, I was hopeful that having another one might help my chances. There are studies (that my R.E. disagrees with, by the way) that suggest the injection of the contrast dye into the fallopian tubes help clear things out thereby increasing your chances of conception. Unlike most fertility treatments, HSG’s are covered by most insurances. I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try one last time. I had the HSG and though we decided we would only do the ONE injectable cycle, we decided we would give it one last try before letting go of our dream for another child. We went for it. Sadly, once again we were unsuccessful.
I slowly started accepting the fact that we may never have another child. It’s a hard pill to swallow especially when you feel like someone’s missing and your family isn’t quite complete yet.
We had some plans to possibly look into IVF through a type of grant come January, but even if we were successful in that, the application process would be a taxing one and it takes several months just to find out if you are accepted. And then come thoughts of ‘what if I get accepted only to have another failed cycle’ into your head. I decided to put off anything for a while and just be happy I at least wasn’t putting my body through the @#!*% of fertility treatments at least for a few months. That very month I became pregnant. Now, before you all go thinking the oh-so-standard it’s because ‘I relaxed and it finally happened’ thoughts, be assured that my body was still hyper-stimulated from not only four IUI cycles but two injectable IUI cycles. I got lucky. I’m due this summer and of course we are beyond thrilled at having another child in our family.
So, that’s my story in a nutshell. Unfortunately, many people don’t have happy endings to their stories. They go years and years and never get that blessing they hope and pray for their whole life. Infertility is a subject many people don’t want to bring up. It’s sensitive and if you haven’t gone through it but know someone who is or has, the best thing to do is just listen.
If you have been trying for a year or more to conceive, you are classified as ‘infertile’.
Here are a list of things to do if you’re in this category:
- Talk to your OB. A lot of obstetricians can prescribe fertility drugs and give you advice on what you should do next.
- Basal Body Temperature charting is a wonderful and inexpensive way to calculate ovulation and find out more about what your body is doing. There is a book I highly recommend reading titled ‘Taking Charge of Your Fertility’ by Toni Weschler. You might think you know all there is to know about your body and your cycles, but I promise you this book will teach you even more and also answers MANY of the questions infertiles have. Also, you can buy the software online and download it to your computer so all you have to do is enter in your first morning temperature and it does the rest of the work. www.ovusoft.com
- Ovulation tests are a great way to find out when you’re ovulating. You can get them for pretty cheap at the dollar store, but my fertility specialist recommended using Clearblue Easy. The Clearblue Easy pack comes with 7 tests plus one pregnancy test. If you aren’t sure of when you ovulate and you’re just starting out this process, the best thing to do is basal body temp. charting FIRST before combining it with ovulation tests. This way you get a roundabout idea of when you’re most likely to ovulate before wasting money on testing the wrong day.
During the thick of my infertility process, I was charting every day and then testing twice a day with my second morning urine and then again between 6 and 9 pm at night using ovulation tests. I did this FOR ME on days 14 of my cycle until I got a positive. This can get pricey. I found that buying ovulation tests in bulk from Costco seemed to save on some of the expense.
- If you’re looking to pursue fertility treatments with a local Reproductive Endocrinologist in your area, ask around and do your research. Some of them have different success rates, etc. Try to find one as close as possible to you. You’ll be traveling there a lot.
- Usually with your first appt. with your specialist, you’ll have a better idea of what your options are and what you should pursue next. You’re going to be spending some money. And it’s most likely going to be more than what you thought you were going to have to spend. Unfortunately, being infertile isn’t cheap and in most cases, it’s not covered by insurance. Know what you can and can’t afford to do.
- Also, I feel I HAVE to mention how important it is to have your spouse tested. SO many times we, as women, feel like it must be our bodies that are failing us without even giving a second thought to the possibility that it could be a combined problem or a sperm motility/morphology problem. The best place to have your spouse tested is at the Andrology lab of your Reproductive Endocrinology office and NOT a hospital. You don’t have to be seeing an R.E. to have your spouse tested. Typically the test runs between $100-$150 dollars. Encourage your spouse to have this test done before wasting your money on anything else. That way you can start ruling things out and moving forward.
- Many people don’t realize that many lubes used for intercourse actually kill sperm. Yes, even KY. Preseed is a wonderful alternative that does NOT kill sperm. You can read about the benefits of using preseed here: http://www.preseed.com/
- Going through infertility makes you feel like your body has failed you and even moreso that YOU have failed. It’s so easy to blame yourself and wonder what you DID to let such a heartache infiltrate your life. Though these feelings are completely normal, try to remember that MANY couples go through this horrific trial and you’re not alone. Blaming yourself isn’t going to help your situation. Instead, make sure you and your husband are on the same page, explore your options, love each other and MOVE FORWARD.
There are so many other things that I could be covering regarding infertility and the treatments that are available, but this can get you started if you’re just now experiencing infertility.
For those of you aren’t suffering from infertility, but know someone that is, here is some advice:
Be supportive of feelings. The infertility process is a roller coaster. You’re up, you’re down and it varies from month to month. Try not to be offended if your friend or fmaily member avoids you or doesn’t want to talk about things. This isn’t personal or about YOU. When you’re going through infertility, you’re so wrapped up in it at times you’re not even thinking about how your emotions affect those around you.
Bring a meal. Food always helps. When people didn’t know what else to do or say, but they brought something for my family to eat after I’d been to the doctor all day, it was SO nice. Sometimes a gesture like this meant even more to me than a shoulder to cry on.
Be careful in offering advice if you haven’t been there yourself. The same goes for telling success stories of someone else. Things like this can be really hard to hear and a lot of times simply not helpful.
I can only speak for myself, but for me one of the most helpful things were friends that stuck around even when I wasn’t myself and I was edgy and hard to be around. Infertility brought out the worst in me at times. Even though my icy exterior tended to push people away, I still wanted to know that friends and family loved and cared for me. Those people that still checked in now and then or even sent a friendly e-mail really went a long way and helped me know I was still loved.
I realize this post barely touched on all the information out there about infertility. I do hope, however, it helped someone out there. Mainly someone who is just beginning to experience it. I have so many friends who are currently suffering, have suffered or are just beginning to suffer through infertility of some sort. Though it can sometimes be tricky not to compare your situation to someone elses, It’s not a contest. Each situation is unique to that individual and ALL PAIN associated with infertility is real and difficult to bear. My advice to all of you is to hold onto hope and cling to the people who uplift and support you.
Great post Holly! You always have a way with words, and I know that a lot of people, including myself, are learing a lot from your blogging!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. While I did not have to seek treatment, it did take my husband and I over a year to conceive both of our children. Many of my family members and friends have endured countless treatments to conceive their children. It truly is such an emotional time, and I agree, that as women we tend to think that the problem is us. Support systems are key-ladies stick around and hold your friends/sisters hand through this, they truly need it!
Very well said, Holly. It breaks my heart that you had to go through all this, but I am so grateful that if infertility *had* to happen to us, that we could “meet” and support each other through the journey. You are such a beautiful mother and I’m thrilled that your family continues to grow!!! Lots of love!!!
Perfect post, Holly! Thanks for sharing your experience with everyone. I know SO many women will benefit from it. You’re awesome!
Thanks for sharing Holly! I know this is a sensitive subject- you handled it very nicely!
Massive congratulations and I wish you and your family all the best!
Well done on not giving up – I admire your ability to keep on trying and that you’re willing to help all the other women out there who might need your advice, Thanks for sharing a very personal part of your life with us.
Great article!
Holly, thank you for posting this. I like the way that you were sensitive to the feelings of others and told us that in the beginning of the post.
You are so amazing and your family has been through so much. The first time I ever lurked on your blog I was touched when I read on your sidebar how you couldn’t belive how lucky you were. (Even though you had struggled with infertility and John had battled cancer) I thought to my self that you were impressive and had a great attitude.
I am glad you wrote this, not only because, as you know, I’m nosy, but, also because I know it will help other women to read this.
Thought your story was great. My sis and bro-in-law have been going through years of treatments with no success. She says they’ve given up. But I wish they wouldn’t. Brings tears to my eyes to hear of so many people who would make great parents that never get the chance and people who make horrible parents who get too many chances.
I’m really happy you’ve been blessed with another pregnancy. But this post makes me wonder why people go through SO MUCH to have their own baby when, if having a “big family” is the ultimate goal, they don’t use their resources to adopt children who already need a home, instead of putting their bodies (and minds/hearts!) through such trauma with all these attempts at pregnancy…? I’m not trying to sound insensitive. But with the cost of these treatments, not to mention the juggling act it must take with jobs and two kids to get to and from all your appointments, and the monthly disappointment of not getting pregnant, I can’t imagine putting myself through that. Just a thought…
To me, I think that most women have the inherent desire to bear a child, to experience pregnancy, to have that special experience with their spouse, to create a child that is a little bit of both of them. I know that it is an amazing, miraculous experience, and I can understand why women go through so much to try and have it. I would imagine the burden of infertility far outweighs the inconvenience of doctor visits and treatments. If a women has the means, mentally and financially, to go through fertility treatments and check-ups, I can understand why they would. Obviously, it may get to the point where it is determined that a pregnancy may never happen, the fertility treatments are too much of a burden, or whatever. And, to those women, who are still longing to be a mother, I say adopt! Adoption is also a beautiful thing. I have had the opportunity to be a part of the adoption process, several times, because my father has been an adoption counselor my whole life. But, the truth is, if they want to adopt a baby, they could be waiting years, as well. All I’m saying, is I can understand why they try treatments, first. It’s too hard NOT to want that experience.
Meghan,
Adoption is an amazing thing. I am all for it and even have a nephew who was placed for adoption, adopted by a wonderful family and we are all so proud of the person he became because he was given the unselfish opportunity to do so by his birth mother. I love adoption! However, I’ve found that many people who suggest adoption as a means to an end of fertility treatments, don’t consider the HUGE cost of doing so. Even through the most inexpensive companies, adoption is usually at least ten thousand dollars. If you adopt internationally or go through a private company, adoption can cost upwards of 30-50 thousand dollars. Not to mention that in many cases, it can take years before you are chosen or IF you are chosen. Also, it has to be something that both spouses agree on and want. There are so many variables that when others have suggested it to me, I have to constantly remind myself that they’re not going through the process like I am. If you have friends or family going through infertility, my advice to you is to think about all the variables before making harsh judgements. It’s not as easy a choice as it many seem. 🙂
Thank you for this post. My husband and I have been married since 1995 (16 + years) and haven’t done anything to prevent us from getting pregnant (i.e. the pill). We started our adoption journey 3 1/2–4 years ago, and we still haven’t been placed. Everyone who knows us doesn’t understand why we haven’t been chosen and keep telling us that we’d make great parents and that they’re praying for us. My husband and I have both been checked and there’s nothing really causing us to not get pregnant. It’s hard every month getting my mensy and waiting to adopt, but that’s the season we’re in. If you know of anyone wanting to have an adoption plan, please direct them to our adoption websites:
Please help us get the word out:
http://www.adoptionnetwork.com/waitingfamilies/show.html/6934/photos
(Watch our YouTube video)
http://www.theadoptionfoundation.com/adoption-unplanned-pregnancy-waiting-families-profile.html?id=7150
http://www.courageouschoice.com/album.php?id=6534
http://www.adoptionspacebook.com/view_photos.html?id=7150
I appreciate everyone being so sensitive. Having dealt with years and years of infertility plus a successful adoption, I have learned many things. One life lesson that I didn’t expect after the adoption of my wonderful son was that while his adoption cured my childless-ness, it did not cure my infertility. All the emotions and heart ache from the infertility were still there, just the feelings were a different. I am grateful for the understanding of others during the hard and not so hard times.
That’s a great point. Thanks for sharing that, Rebecca!