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Happy Summer! Heather here, from FamilyVolley.com. Today I am excited to share parenting advice to make things easier in your home.
Call it what you will, Fibbing, a Whopper, Tall Tale, Story Telling, it is all the same. Lying. And it can be really frustrating when our kids start to tell them.
First, to know what to do when kids lie, it is good to understand lying by age and stage.
Young children tell fibs based on fantasy, and they are usually made up stories of who they wish they were (princesses), or what they wish they could do (today I ate 10 popsicles and didn’t get sick). Elementary School Children start to tell “smarter” lies to get out of punishment, to sound “cool”, and to get what they want. If at a young age your elementary age kids start to find that their lies do get them what they want, the lies will become habit. We need to be sure to stop them before they reach this point. Your teenagers will tell manipulative lies to protect their friends and themselves, and to avoid punishments and arguments and to get what they want.
Now, an occasional lie is nothing to worry about. Kids are going to test things out and tell a lie or two. We just want to make sure it doesn’t turn into a habit.
So what can we do to stop the “story telling”?
First, we have to be parents that set rules and have expectations, and we have to listen to our kids. If we can do those three things, our kids will feel more comfortable talking to us and less likely to hide things from us. When they feel we respect them, they will respect us in return.
If lying is a problem in your house, take a few minutes to think about the following…
- Pay attention to why your kids are not telling the truth. Often times it is because they don’t want to get in trouble. Evaluate the way you are dealing with your kids. Are you being too hard on them, are your expectations too high? Maybe we are taking our stress out on our kids? Could it be that our kids are frustrated, need attention, have low self-esteem, want to gain our approval, are tying to get something, trying to avoid something like chores, trying to protect themselves or a friend/sibling, or tying to please you. Often times if we can pinpoint the “why” behind the lying, we can stop it before it goes too far.
- Be an honest parent. Kids will primarily do what they see us as their parents doing. Do we ever fib. Sneak into a movie, lie about ages to get lower prices, pretend no one is home so you don’t have to answer the door. Kids will pick up on these lies. We have to be honest so they will be honest.
- Teach your children that in your house honesty is the only policy. Teach them that you will be honest with them, you expect honesty from them. Emphasize that this is a family rule and that they, just like you, are expected to follow it.
- Don’t be too harsh. If you are, children will be afraid and not feel safe talking to us about what they have done wrong.
When your child does tell a lie…
Don’t accuse them of lying, this will only make them feel trapped and make the situation worse. This also means you don’t call your child a liar. Always avoid giving your children negative labels.
Don’t overreact. If you child knows that you are going to stay calm, they are more likely to tell you the truth. They don’t want to tell the truth if they think it is going to get them in a bunch of trouble. Stay Chill.
Be sure there is a reasonable consequence for telling lies. Yesterday when my son told me he had picked up his backpack and his shoes, and he had not, I made him go back and finish the job. Like he had been asked.
Stick to what you know. The facts. “Your backpack is still on the ground, be honest, did you pick it up like you were asked?” “I can see that your nails are very short and that your fingers are red, I expect the truth, have you been biting them?”
After the fact, teach…
Recall personal stories you can use to talk with your child about telling the truth and telling lies. I have never forgotten a story my dad told me when I was very young, about a lie he told his parents about his favorite dump truck. The story not only taught me that day, but has been passed on as a teaching tool with our children. Using personal examples will help our children relate to us and see the blessings and consequences that come from our choices. Stories are always a great way to teach our children. If you don’t have any stories of your own, use George Washington and his Cherry Tree. Or use one of our families favorites, The Berenstein Bears and The Truth. Teach your children that people who are honest don’t lie, you can count on them, they keep their word, they admit when they do things wrong, and they stand up and tell the truth even when it is hard or unpopular.
Teach your children what happens when they lie.
You get in trouble, people don’t want to be your friend, it could hurt other people, others won’t trust you, etc…
Teach what is real and what is fiction. Kids need to understand the difference between make believe and real life.
When your child is honest, praise them, thank them. Reassure them that honesty is always the best policy. I sound just like my dad, “Remember Heather, honesty is always the best policy.” I heard that a few thousand times growing up.
Tell me I am not alone. Raise your hand if you keep the kids quiet while you pretend that no on is home.
Do you want to WATCH more on kids and lying? Check out this TV Segment I did on the subject for Studio 5 here in Utah.
Heather used to speak French, wishes she could dance and will almost always choose fruity over chocolate. She blogs at FamilyVolley.com where she shares advice about parenting and family life along with fantastic games and activities for your family. Wife and mother of 5. Adjunct Faculty at Brigham Young University. Director/Producer of the Listen To Your Mother Show-Northern Utah.
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These are great tips, Heather! I love the part about thinking why your kids are lying and evaluating your own behavior, as a parent. Obviously, it’s not always the case. But, it’s a real possibility that your ‘scary’ to them, instead of someone they feel safe admitting mistakes to. I also love that you mentioned telling personal stories. I think it is so beneficial for kids to understand their parents are real people. I think it builds respect and trust… so important for a parent/child relationship. You’re so great. I always love your posts!
So great! I used to work where this picture was taken. Greatest place 🙂
Thanks for the post. We were just dealing with a lying situation with my oldest daughter yesterday and I’m glad I came across your blog. It good to know the are other parents out there dealing with similar situations. I personally agree with the first comment of Mariel sometimes I feel like we can be “scary” specially if we react angry or frustrated. We just did that and I was just thinking if there was any way to deal with this situations in a different way since I could tell yesterday that my husband was very frustrated with her for thinking she was sticking to her lie. And my daughter being afraid she would get into big trouble.
Her being the oldest is hard because we have to deal with new things every time. And most of the time we have no clue how to deal with. I appreciate you taking the time to enlighten those of us who need it. Thank you so much. I am willing to give this a try and hope this will help her and us to be better. And for our other kids to see a better example.