“Respect your children.” That’s not something you hear every day! But, it’s something I have been thinking a lot about lately. You know the common saying, “treat others the way you want to be treated”? It applies to more than just our friends, our siblings, our parents, our neighbors, and random strangers…it applies to our children too (and other people’s children)! Parenting posts are always a little tricky to do because there are such a wide array of opinions on the right and wrong ways to do things. Everytime I do one, I feel I’m opening up a can of worms…but, it’s kinda fun. I love to hear how y’all feel about the topic..
Lately, I have been observing ways that adults interact with kids. Overall, it’s totally positive. But, there are a few things that I feel adults do (mostly unknowingly) that are simply disrespectful to children. And, I admit…I’ve been guilty myself!
Think about these things for a minute (or, a lifetime?):
Forcing Children to Hug/Kiss Adults or Other Kids – How would it make YOU feel if someone of authority said that you needed to go be affectionate with someone? It would tick me right off! Touching (to me) is a very intimate thing and something I only do when I am completely comfortable…and when I want to! Some kids are totally affectionate and happily dish out the love left and right. But, what if your child doesn’t have that type of personality? Do they really have to kiss and hug others when they are more comfortable not? I’ve seen lots of adults say things to kids, like “I’m not leaving until you give me a kiss,” “You can have this after I get a hug,” “You need to give everyone a kiss before they leave.” Some kids will happily do whatever, but I’ve seen others resist and usually the adult still persists! Ugh! It makes me cringe inside…cause I know how I would feel. I would feel disrespected.
Scolding a Child in Front of Others – Has someone ever yelled or argued with you in front of other people? How does it make you feel? I know that I feel defensive, embarrassed, and upset. Why would a child feel any different? Obviously, there are times where children need to immediately be told to stop what they are doing…and other people might be around. But, when it goes past that…take the child aside and have a private talk with them. Children have feelings too and they should be respected enough to not be scolded in front of everyone!
Abruptly Ending Activities – This is something I am working on! Lots of times, as a mother, you will be in the middle of something and your kid wants you to help them immediately! What do you say?? Usually, it’s “just a minute.” Right? You are willing to help them but you just need a minute to wrap up what you are doing or come to a point where you can leave. Then if your child gets upset because you are not coming NOW, what happens? Well, I usually snap at them…can you relate?
There are lots of times that kids are also in the middle of something and an adult will walk up and take it away, turn it off, pull them away, or demand that it ends right NOW! What kind of reaction is reasonable to expect from the child? I wouldn’t expect anything less than frustration and anger. That’s usually what happens and then the kid gets in trouble! Is that really fair and respectful? Obviously, there will be times when the kid needs to drop everything and come immediately. But, I try to remember how I would feel and most of the time give them a minute to wrap things up. It’s such an easy way to avoid contention. I think a lot of times its really about the parent wanting to exert their authority rather than an actual need for immediate attention. Of course, it’s a good thing for your child to respect you as their parent and listen to what you say. But, if they are in the middle of something and ask for one more minute to wrap it up, be reasonable. Give them a minute, just like you want them to give YOU a minute to wrap things up. The time to be firm is when they take advantage of “just a minute” or blatantly don’t listen. It’s a good idea to give kids a heads up as to when you will need them…”Buster, you have 5 minutes and then you need to come work on your homework.” It works much better than no notice at all, “Buster, turn it off. I want to see you working on your homework now.”
On this same subject, it also applies when a child is working on something and an adult (wanting to be playful) comes and yanks them away, hangs them upside down, spins them around, etc. The kid sometimes goes for it and has fun. But, lots of times I see irritation…and then the little dude gets accused of being a grouch or mean. Seriously?? If I was in full concentration mode and someone yanked me away, I would be pretty irritated too.
“Discussing” Your Child’s Behavior in Front of Them – This is one of those times where it’s actually better to talk behind someone’s back. As mothers, we need to vent, discuss, and get some feedback from other mothers. It makes us feel better! It might not solve anything but we feel relieved, reassured and might come away with some new ideas of things to help our children. But, don’t discuss your kid troubles in front of your kid (or their siblings). It can’t be good for them at all! They need to hear those things from you, in an appropriate setting and carefully worded. Or, maybe not at all! Maybe you will just incorporate some new tips and tricks that blend into their lives. Or, maybe they will just grow out of their stage and you just need to be patient. I admit, guilt on this one too! Sometimes it’s hard to have a moment when I can talk to a girlfriend or my husband and NOT have any kids around…very rare. But, my kids are important to me and I don’t want them to ever feel like they are frustrating or a burden. When we are venting, WE know that we are madly in love with our kids despite our frustrations…but, they don’t hear that. Sad.
It’s funny how when you put yourself in your children’s shoes…you see things in a whole new light. I’m almost embarrassed to say that I hadn’t thought of some of these things before…or never took the time to think of them. But, it is something that I am aiming to always consider. Children have feelings just the same as adults do and they matter…a lot.
Great post. Too often we think that since we’re the parents- or adults- that we should “dominate”. I really agree with giving kids time to finish something. When at the play ground, I always give 5 min. warnings. It helps goodbye’s go smoother.
Thanks for the thoughtful article!
Great post!!!
I give 5 minute warnings, or one last time warnings when we are out playing somewhere. Definitely helps them transition!
I need to work on that last one myself. I don’t do it on purpose. I just need to start talking about things after kids go to bed. My kiddos have to be right there and always have to know what we are talking about!
I completely agree! My girlfriends have always looked at me kinda weird when I give my DD the 5 min. warning however I learned very early on that she is the type that NEEDS to have the “countdown” per say. If we are leaving a playdate and I do the countdown then she leaves w/ no problem. If I try and say “Let’s go now” she goes into full meltdown mode. If there is a time that I cannot give the 5 or 3 min. warning then I get down on her level and explain that usually I try to give the warning but this time is different and she needs to listen to mommy right away. I think she really appreciates the fact that I try to think of her feelings also.
Great Post!
wow, great post! i love the ones that make me think and really relate to me as a mother! it really made me realize that i need to give more 5 min warnings with my 2 yr old son, he does the meltdown thing too, and im sure that will help! i TOTALLY agree with all the other topics as well, i also find myself feeling bad for children in these types of situations, and wishing i could say something to the parent. instead, i will continue to work on being more respectful to my own children. Thanks for the great post!
**GUILTY** argh.
As a side-note, I read a great book called “Siblings Without Rivalry” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They had an interesting perspective exercise to help parents understand a first child adjusting to a new baby. One small part of it challenged moms to imagine hubby bringing home an adorable, younger wife whom she was expected to coddle and love, surrendering all worldly possessions with willingness.
Thanks for the reminder that my short people have feelings just as big as tall people. 🙂
Great post. I think we often forget that the small ones are there and they have feelings too.
This is a terrific post. I agree with everything you have said. Little people have feelings, too, and if we remember how we would feel in a similar situation, it might affect how we treat them.
Love the post and reminder that our little ones are people too and deserve respect.
This was a fantastic post! I am guilty of a lot of these and I’m always talking to my kidlets about the golden rule when I’m not always following it myself! Thank you for writing about these and giving specific examples. I adore your blog!
I love how you approached this topic. I’m happy to see that I do most of these things *most* of the time. Thought provoking though! 🙂
This post is a great reminder on how we should respect our children! So often we…er, me….feel like a drill sargent, barking orders…
What a great post! I am so glad to see that there are so many other people who feel this way, as do I. Sometimes it seems like there are more who do not. As far as ABRUPTLY ENDING ACTIVITIES…that one can be tough. Anyone have some suggestions on how to help children differenciate between when they REALLY do need to do something right now and when it’s okay to wait a few minutes. I have always been one for allowing them time, but lately it has just turned into a battle of wills.
Stacy,
If my little dude says “Just a minute”…I just consider what they are in the middle of. If they are in the middle of a soccer game in the yard, I might allow them to finish the game. So, I would just say…”K, finish the game and then you’re inside.” I’m not asking, I’m telling. I’ve already been reasonable and after that, they need to be respectful. If they are in the middle of a lame video game, I might say…”K, you have five minutes to wrap it up.” That gives them time to finish whatever, save their game, etc. But, then I need their help and attention.
If you really need them IMMEDIATELY, just say so and be firm. You don’t have to be a huge jerk, just say “This is important, I need you right now.” Don’t put up with any crap. You will probably have to be the one to differentiate for them and choose whether to allow a few more minutes or require a “right now”. Just consider your true motives for “right now”. Is it important or do you just want to exert your authority? There are lots of times you will need your kids immediately, and that’s okay. There are lots of times that THEY need you immediately too!
Great post! We always need reminders of how important it is to respect our children. Thanks for the great info and ideas.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post!
Everyone has already said it, but the more comments the better, right? Great post! Especially about affection. I read that somewhere before I had my first baby and I had never considered it before. Why force your child to be affectionate when they don’t want to? My kids don’t have to give anyone a hug that they don’t want to. 🙂 Good job girls!
Wow! I really needed to read this~ Thank you for posting! Next time my son does not want to hug or kiss when we are leaving, I will not push. Never thought about it that way.
Great reminder and a very thoughtful post. I like to think I do pretty well, but I am definitely guilty of some of those offenses. Another one for me that I see/hear often is subtle name-calling…usually it’s accusing a child of something but in the form of a question. Asking a child, “Are you stupid?” is the same darned thing as saying “You are stupid!” It makes me cringe every single time I hear it. 🙁
Thanks for the post!
Finally someone understands us!! This is REAL parenting. I wish I could show my parents this without them getting mad