It seems that every woman has something that tugs on their heart strings, and can instantly bring them to tears. For me, it’s sad children. I just want to hug and love them all! I can’t stand knowing that there are many, many children who go through their life being treated so unkindly, whether at home, school, or both. It’s such a terrible thought (and reality.)
I wrote this blog post over 12 years ago, about my son, Caden, and his experience with being bullied at elementary school. I stumbled on it and a flood of memories came back. Caden is older now, but his story (though mild, compared to many) has always stood out in my mind as an important life lesson for both him, and myself. I thought I would reshare it with you today, in hopes that it will inspire you to do what you can for a child who is being bullied, whether it be your own, or any of the children in your area (and beyond.)
I definitely don’t know all the answers, and I realize that what worked in our situation, may not work for others. There are lots of great resources out there. But I know that sometimes, personal experiences and tested solutions can be helpful to hear about, as well.
Our ‘Bullied at Elementary School’ Story (& How We Handled It)
Every day when I drive to my children’s school, I notice a couple kids that will be walking around all by themselves at recess, or sitting by a tree. There’s a chance that they need a moment by themselves or that they love to be alone, but it’s probably more likely that they are yearning for recess to be over. Recess and lunch seem to have a way of making the loners stick out.
I have memories of that from my own childhood, when I felt I didn’t have many friends, as the new girl in school. I would hang out in the bathroom stall during lunch, because it felt too embarrassing to eat alone. And, I would cling to the recess monitor (an adult), because I was too shy to initiate a new friendship with the kids. Being in class tends to bring relief… a chance to blend back in to the crowd.
Jaheem Herrera, age 11. Committed suicide after severe bullying.
Bullying or exclusion of children affects everyone, whether it happens to your child or not. How? Several reasons…
These kids are the future. A horrible childhood, or even a harsh moment of bullying, can affect a child negatively for the rest of their life. Think of the potential that could be lost. We need strong, good, kind people in this world. It’s not an easy place to live and the younger generations need us to rally around them, more than ever.
Another thing… bullied children go to school with YOUR children, and sometimes bad things can happen when they reach their boiling point. That’s scary, for everyone. Obviously, fear is not the most noble reason to do what’s right, but it’s something to consider in the case for bullying affecting everyone. School shootings really happen and bullying has been found to be at the root, in some situations. Could things have been different if the child had been loved and accepted? We may never know, but reason suggests that it’s very possible.
Most importantly, these are children… CHILDREN. Their little hearts are fragile. They need us, big people, to be there for them. Children need love, acceptance, encouragement… all the things we craved as well, when we were children. I love the idea of it takes a village to raise a child. A child might not be yours, or your ‘responsibility,’ but what a neat thought that you can still have a positive impact on them, by simply loving and accepting them… as a neighbor, teacher, grandmother, etc. I’ve always thought that the more people that love a child, the better. It’s important to me that my kids develop relationships with as many extended family members as possible. Lots and lots of love, PLEASE!! And, I sometimes fail at this, but I hope the children in my circle feel my love for them. I have to remind myself to slow life down and focus on the more important things… like, children and their needs.
Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, age 11. Committed suicide after severe bullying.
I have several memories of children that were friendless or bullied back when I was in grade school. They haunt me to this day. Not because I was the perpetrator, but because I didn’t do anything to help them. There was this girl on my school bus…she had severe acne, was extra tall and lanky, and was incredibly shy. She was tormented to NO end. Everyone would put their backpack on their seat so she couldn’t sit down by them on the bus.
I remember one day some boys tied tampons into the ends of her hair and she just sat there. She was too afraid to move. I would give anything to go back in time and stand up for that girl. I was too afraid. I didn’t want to be a target too. I wonder all the time whatever happened to her and how her life is today. I would love to give her a hug and tell her I am sorry that I never stood up for her. I hope that she was able to turn into a strong, productive, happy woman. I really, really hope.
The sad thing is that it happens a lot AND it can be helped.
There are simple things we can try if our child is being bullied at school
What are they?? We’ll get to that in a minute.
Of course, I always hoped I would never have the experience of my children being bullied (or being friend-less), but it happened. And, I’m so glad it did. I learned a lot from that little experience. Last year, my oldest son, Caden, started 1st grade. We recently built our home so we are new in this area. Many of the kids at school already know each other and have that advantage. Problem number two, Caden is a quiet kid. It takes a while for him to open up and feel comfortable playing with other kids. But, he’s a stinkin’ cutie and incredibly sweet.
Anyway, I picked him up from school and asked him to rate his day from 1 to 10. It was a “negative 10.” I had never heard anything under a 6! I prodded and he told me that at recess he was walking around by himself, because he didn’t know who to play with. There was a group of boys nearby and one of them yelled out, “Look at Caden, the loser!” The rest started laughing.
Ugh….my heart broke. It broke Caden’s heart. Caden is anything but a loser!
Part of me wanted to cry and the other part of me wanted to find that kid, shove him against the wall and tell him that I’ll kick his effin’ rear-end if he EVER speaks to my kid like that! Obviously, I chose to cry… inside. What could I do? What am I supposed to do when that happens? If I do anything, will it make it worse? Will it do any good?
But, I am here to say that there are a few things that we did that significantly improved the situation! I am so happy with how things have improved. Caden has many friends now and really enjoys school.
How we (the teacher, myself, and my son) handled our bullying situation…
- First…I called the teacher. Caden was scared to death that I would embarrass him or that I would create a bigger problem. But, his teacher was a superstar. First, she talked to Caden and told him that there is a difference between being a tattle-tail and talking about a problem. She told him to come to her any time something like that happened.
- Second, she asked Caden to pick two kids in the class that he felt would be fun and nice friends to have. She then moved the seats around so that Caden was sitting right in between them. She would purposely arrange class activities so that he was involved with the kids he picked.
- Third, she talked to the whole class in a non-incriminating way about being kind, including others, and standing up for what is right. She also promised to keep an eye on the situation. I couldn’t be more happy with the way she handled it. If your child is in this situation…suggest these things to the teacher…and follow up!
- Obviously, I had to do something on my end too. I couldn’t leave it all up to the teacher to make sure my child was making friends. So, I called in some reinforcements…Caden’s Uncles. Caden has lots and lots of fabulous Uncles that he adores. They took turns showing up at Caden’s school for lunch and recess. They sat with him and played with him. Not ONLY that….they purposely invited the other kids to hang out too!Brigham, my oldest brother, loved it! He said the kids thought Caden was the greatest thing ever that he had some big, cool guy that came to hang out with him. Brigham got a group together to play basketball, traded food in the cafeteria and taught them to put peas in their milk and cookies in their gravy. Practically the whole grade was following Caden and Brigham around…hoping they could play too.The next day….Uncle Logan showed up, with a football. It didn’t take long for the other kids to realize there was something special about Caden. His Uncles showed up several times…mostly the first week after the incident and then a couple times later. It was amazing how much it helped draw some positive attention to Caden! No super cool Uncles around? No worries…recruit someone from your church, your neighborhood, etc. that is mature enough to understand the situation AND fun enough that they would excite the kids and bring positive attention to your child. You may have to call the school to get permission for your guest to visit.
- Another thing I did was to set some goals with Caden. We discussed what he wanted for himself and how he is in charge of attaining the things he wants. We talked about some of the kids he knew and wanted to be friends with. I explained to him that not everybody will WANT to be his friend and that’s okay. But, there are some people that do…and we just need to find them (kind of like a “treasure hunt”).Every day, he went to school with a goal of talking to and trying to play with one certain kid that he picked out. He would “report” back to me at the end of the day. Sometimes he would get little or no response but he kept trying. It literally took just a few days before he had new friends that wanted to come over to our house! I highly suggest setting goals and teaching your child that they are not helpless. Teach them it is NOT their fault, and it’s perfectly normal and fine to not have everyone like them. Teach them that they are an individual with a purpose and gifts that ONLY they can share with the world. Tell them why bullies are the way the are…because they are insecure, and often sad inside.
So, really…things are so good now with Caden but it’s something I continually keep tabs on. I can’t imagine how it would feel to be a mother or a child that deals with bullying (or having a friend-less child) on a regular basis. My heart and prayers go out to you. I got a small taste of this trial and it wasn’t easy. Please, never stop doing all you can. And, that applies to all mothers, in this situation or not. Let’s do all we can to help the children.
Eric Mohat, age 17. Committed suicide after severe bullying.
Although bullying might not happen to your child, there are things your child and you can do to help prevent it from happening to others.
EVERY PARENT:
1. Talk to your child about BEING A LEADER and not a follower.
2. Teach them to NOT ACCEPT bullying in their group of friends.
3. Teach them that it is RIGHT to stand up for somebody being picked on.
4. Teach them that it is kind and good to SEEK OUT those that aren’t being included, and include them in activities, the lunch room, parties, etc.
5. Tell them it is RIGHT to report bullying to the teachers.
6. Teach them it’s MORE IMPORTANT to do what’s right than to be popular.
7. ASK THEM about their friends and how they treat others.
8. TELL THEM about how bullying and having no friends can affect children.
9. SHOW THEM by example how to be considerate and thoughtful of others feelings.
10. KNOW the signs of bullied children and be open-minded that YOUR child might be the bully.
* NEVER DO NOTHING! *
Sometimes, I think parents feel content that their child is “popular” and they are relieved from the burden of bullying. But, I think it’s wrong to stop there. A “popular” kid has so much influence and can use it positively to help others! Talk to them! Ask them if there is anyone they know that could use a little boost or a friend. Their kindness could make a world of difference! A difference so HUGE, they may never know. I’m so glad Caden got a taste of the “other side” so that he knows how horrible it feels to be bullied. I encourage him regularly to consider the feelings of others and look around to see who needs to be included.
Ryan Halligan, age 14. Committed suicide after severe bullying.
I have this fantasy…to start up a volunteer organization. I have to put it off, for the time being, because I’ve got 7 children I’m still raising. But, it would be an organization that recruited high-school and college students to earn class credits or community service hours by spending lunch and recess at Elementary and Junior High schools. They would come armed with group games, activities, energy, happiness, and skills to bring children together. They would seek out the loners and help relieve the sadness they feel by including them and potentially helping them find new friends during their scariest times…lunch and recess. Their influence would teach other children that it’s cool to be friendly, kind, and inclusive to their peers. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why this isn’t already happening. So, if you have some time and have love to give….do this for me. You literally could be saving lives.
If you liked this ‘Bullied at Elementary School’ post, check out:
- Over 150 Creative Parenting Ideas to Save Your Sanity
- 10 Tips for Easing School Anxiety in Children
- How to Connect With Your Teenager ~ From a Mother of 7
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I think this is the greatest post ever. It reminds me about a girl I went to school with that people literally chased down the hall making fun of her. I always talked to her regardless and on the back of her school picture she wrote ‘if it weren’t for you, I’d kill myslef’ How awful. I recently found her on facebook and she is married with two kids!
Your post totally made me cry. I think bullying is one of the worst things that can happen to a child and it can affect them forever. I am so afraid it might happen to one of my babies. Great post and I love your ideas…especially about teaching your kids to stand up for kids who are being picked on.
So I’m a loser and a bad friend because I always read but never comment…sorry! However, this made me cry today because we are dealing with this with Joseph right now. He has no friends, spends recess walking around alone, and even asks to stay in study hall so he won’t have to endure recess. He’s only eight! This never happened when he was in private school- he was happy with lots of friends and always had a good day. Now boys shout at him that he’s crazy and his games are stupid, and no one will play with him. It just breaks my heart.
Great post! I don’t have kids yet, but I gained several useful tips from this information. THANK YOU for being so passionate about preventing bullying and providing such useful information for all of us.
This really touched me. I have reposted it on my blog with a link to yours:
http://ethanlukas.blogspot.com/2009/09/or-so-she-saysthe-bully-at-school.html
Thank you.
Loved this post!! I can’t imagine how any mother would feel seeing their child so sad- especially one as sweet as Caden..
Amazing post. I am going to share it with some administrators in the school district where I work. Maybe we can start a group of high schoolers like you suggested. Thanks for bringing it up to our attention.
I only have one baby so I’m not even near this, but this is my biggest fear. I also regret a time I could have stuck up for someone and wish I could go back and change things. I so want my kids to fit in. Thanks for this great post. I’ll have to copy and save this in archives so that when I get older kids I can have this at my disposal!
Thanks for this great post! I happened to be talking to a friend just last week about bullying – so your post came at the perfect time. Her sweet son has been mercilessly bullied at school and on the bus. He even got off the bus with a bloody nose. She has tried a few things to help the situation, but I also sent her a link to your blog. You have some great ideas!
Also, it has been almost 20 years ago, but my friend’s brother committed suicide due to bullying. They have never really been able to get over such a tragic loss. It breaks my heart.
I will definitely be sharing your post with my family and friends. Thank you for your insight.
Thanks for this post! I too am very passionate about preventing bullying. It has always made me very sad since I was a child. I would try and be friends with others who didn’t have friends but you have some other useful tips. It breaks my heart to know that little children sometimes hurt themselves because they are so sad inside. Or end up hurting others. I could go on and on as well. I just had my first child and it already scares me for him to grow up and deal with other children. So thanks for the great advise. 🙂
I love your idea about college kids volunteering at elementary schools. I’m apart of Circle K at my college and we are always looking for new projects. At our next meeting I am deffinetly bringing this idea up.
Thank you, Suzanne. Thank you, Kelley. Just the acts of you two alone could make a huge difference! You’re awesome!
You are an awesome Mommy! I have never been the target of bullying either and it breaks my heart to see it happening.
I have always told my son to go ask the kid sitting alone at recess to come and play with him and who ever he is playing with that day. He even told me one of his best frien now (and he is 6) is the kid from pre-school that would never play or talk to anyone. I am sooooo proud of him. I just hope and pray that he never has to experience bullying. And he know that if he is ever the bully he will be in more trouble than he has ever been in when it gets back to me!
Stay strong.
WOW, this is an AMAZING post! My brother was bullied sooo much that he ended up dropping out of school. Luckily nothing more happened, but I am so glad to see such a well written post by someone who reaches so many viewers. This really is a serious thing. I am happy to see your passion, and a seriousness for the matter. Thank you so sincerely for sharing this with all of us. The Neuff
Awsome post! All parents, kids, teachers need to read this! I think Jr High specifically is the hardest age. Thanks for being serious today:)
What an awesome post! I have a child that doesn’t have many friends. He doesn’t really seem to mind it (he really enjoys playing by himself at recess), but after reading your post maybe that’s not the case.
What a wonderful idea to have High schoolers come and do that for the schools, Esecially Jr High.
This is THE best blog article I have ever read. It is a huge problem and it’s time to band together and nip it!
Wow! Great post. My child just started school and where we live all school age kids ride on the same bus. My daughter told me yesterday of a high school boy who told her friend (a first grader) that he tears little girls apart! What kind of kid does that? Anyway this is very helpful. I will be talking with my child as soon as she gets home today and I have already contacted the school/bus driver. Thank you!!!
What an important post. Husby and I don’t have kids yet, but I was definitely quiet at times during my youth and teased by people who were my friends. We all grew out of it, but mostly someone else was probably teased in my place.
ug; this breaks my heart! To think a child, my own child’s age (11!) would actually think to commit suicide! My husband and I have talked about next year when ours goes into the 6th grade, and how to handle any bullies that might go his way. Ours is a really popular, athletic boy; however, he can be very quiet and shy around new people and shut down around older kids (IE: nervous about 6th grade!). Thanks again for the reminders and the encouragement to talk to him!
Wow Mariel, you are amazing. I loved the uncles to school idea, and for others to do that.
What an awesome (but also sad) post. Thanks for writing it. I’m glad your son’s teacher handled the situation so well! I wish every teacher was that excellent. 🙂
I’m going to Tweet about your post as something everyone ought to read. I hope you don’t mind. 🙂
thank you so much for that post. my son was bullied a bit kindergarten last year. he had friends but some friends of these friends would pick on him. i talked to his teacher but she wasn’t as helpful as your teacher was. thank goodness the boys that were picking on him stopped & he hasn’t had any problems since then. I want to admit though I taught him how to fight if it ever got down to it. I did however lay out ground rules for that as well. he wasn’t to start it, he was to try & solve the conflict any other way before it got to that point. i told him it was ok to tell his teacher or the kids teacher & it wouldn’t be considered tattling. But he did great, he stood up for himself & told the kids to back off. I was so proud of him! I want to thank you again so much for this post & for sure if there is a next time, I’m going to refer back to this post. I’m also going to be more aware of other kids & the possibility that my son could become a bully; although he is extremely shy & way too sweet but doesn’t every mom think their kids the sweetest;)
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Bullying makes me so sad. I was so nervous for my niece to start kindergarten because I just wanted her to be happy and have friends.
I think it’s great how your sons teacher helped with the situation, sounds like her help was great.
And your idea to have the uncles come to his school- so smart!
I think it’s great that you posted aobut his, it is so important to get the word out and inform people of how serious it is! Thanks for writing this!
Bullying makes me so sad. I was so nervous for my niece to start kindergarten because I just wanted her to be happy and have friends.
I think it’s great how your sons teacher helped with the situation, sounds like her help was great.
And your idea to have the uncles come to his school- so smart!
I think it’s great that you posted aobut his, it is so important to get the word out and inform people of how serious it is! Thanks for writing this!
Thank you for this post. I’m trying to stop crying. My mom and I just had a conversation about bullying today and how you handle it. I only have one baby boy who is 10 months old but my stomach already aches for the day someone is mean to him. I still remember all the hurtful things that were ever said to me when I was a child. It’s really unfortunate that bullying exists, but it does, and I love your tips on how to handle the situation. Definitely my favorite post so far. Thank you.
Your post really touched my heart. A mother’s worst nightmare, her child being bullied…or being the bully. Love the advice, thanks!
Great post! You always have great ideas in hard situations. You’re kids are lucky to have such a great mom to get involved!
Wow. Beautiful post. I am going to post a link to it on my blog, too. I was bullied by a group of vicious, hateful girls all through 4th, 5th, and 6th grade. My teachers were totally unsupportive, and my parents were dealing with monumental problems of their own at the time. Thank God for my big brother. He was my safe place. To this day, I think about those girls with anger, and my emotional scars have made it hard to address this issue effectively with my own 6 year old daughter. I am so glad for your post, and I will be talking to my daughter about these things at our next Monday Family Night.
I was always a very empathetic and compassionate child. My mother taught me the same things you are urging others to do – to reach out to the lonely, the new kid, etc. This has become a habit that has gained me some of my best friends. It also just feels good to help someone out. Thanks for this great reminder. You should get with some of your news contacts to see if they’d do a feature on this piece. Maybe they could help you (or connect you with some one) to aid you in your project! Again great post – thanks!
Erin
Thank you for a great post!! It has very great ideas, especially about the older kids helping out w/younger kids! And I am going to have a talk w/my daughter about befriending other kids! I have told her that she needs to be nice to everyone but I think I am going to revisit this. I think that I am going to talk to her Daisy Scout leader about this also. Maybe we can have a meeting about it! Thanks for giving me something to think about!!
That was a great post. I’ve heard about these boys that have committed suicide because of bullying and the sad part is that it is not the parents disregarding the issue it is mostly that the teacher, school has not done anything about it. I am so proud to say that the school where my children go to is a “NO Tolerance for bullies” and that if there is a problem they get right down to it and do something about it. I have a friend that her girl is in my daughters class and she had an incident of bullying and the teacher followed through by changing her from one table to the other and having her sit with her friends and now 2 days later the girl is happy and just fine. We need to teach our kids to communicate we us the parents so that something can be done immediately and not too late, just like of the examples of these young men that took their lifes because of bullying. My heart goes out to all the parents that lost their children to this problem in our society.
What a coincidence! Just yesterday I had to approach a kid that was bullying one of the boys in my carpool. I was glad I did, because I don’t think that he knew that what he was doing was truly hurting this boy! You could tell he was typically a “good” kid but he just found an easy situation to test the bullying. My son just started 1st grade too and has reported that surprisingly it is the girls who are doing most of the bullying! Wow! I’ve given him some ideas and we’ve talked to the teacher too, but it just breaks my heart!
Oh! and I too have 4 little ones, so right now life is too crazy for that, but it is a great idea and would love to help in the future!
Three Cheers for you Mariel. That was an awesome post. And I really appreciate you pouring your heart into this. I am addressing this with the fam at the next family home evening. And nice use of the word effing, it’s one of my faves!
I am so glad you wrote this. What a great post. It makes me cry. I try to make sure when I am at schools during the school year that I look for kids that are on the fringes and not fitting in. I make sure that I tell them how amazing and special they are and how life has many good things in store. It is ok to be different : )
Thank you so much for this. I am a teacher and although I think my kids are pretty good, I still can see a few outcasts and it does break my heart. You are right, we need to be more proactive and do what we can to force a good thing for those kids. Job well done…you may have saved many children b/c of your post.
hi my name is shelby and i am 13. i have been being bullyed since i was 10. well i have had experience of being bullyed since i started school but since i was 10 its been non-stop. i have told my mum and shes phoned the school but it just gets worse. so now i dont tell anyone what should i do?
Shelby,
We will help you. Will you email me at [email protected] and tell me more about it??
Never stop telling people! Your mum needs to know every single day what is happening. Email me.
Mariel
i get so upset even when i see peers at the university sitting alone or being left out!! Its still so sad when you are at school when you are 20! maybe i’m just too sensitive– most likely they want some peace & quite between lectures! ha! but i usually try and sit next to them or give them a compliment on something of theirs i like. i have made many friends by sitting at their table in the library & in the school courtyard.
this post is so brilliant. you handled the situation with Caden so wonderfully! I would have been banned from their school for kicking that kid’s butt! ha!
what can i say, i’m a very protective aunt! : )
thanks for addressing this important issue!–
xoxo-
My daughter was bullied when she was in fist grade, she didn’t want to go to school and would call me from school often saying her stomach hurt and she needed to come home. After talking to her and figuring out that a bully was the cause of this, I talked to her teacher. She was not such a superstar as your sons teacher, but it was helpful that she was aware there was a problem.
As a member of the PTA I created a program last year that was called “Heroes for Life”. We did a lot of activities that focused on characteristics that make a person a Hero. We taught that all kids are Heroes if they are kind to others and practice good character. Our teachers also took the word Hero and created this to go with it “Here Everyone Respects Others”. The teachers and PTA worked together and this year, the PTA has opted to let the teachers do more of the work with the program because they are in the classrooms and see the problems more than the PTA. They are doing a fantastic job and I am so excited to see the program go forward, and I also hope that it is making an impact in the lives of the students. Heroes are not Bullies.
I work at a Junior High and see this all the time. Is there a resource for the poster and guidelines for parents. Thanks
Thank you for this post. Someone recommended I read it after my son and daughter were bullied on the way home from school last week. I called the principal and reported it and spoke with my kids about bullies. This was a lot of great information. Thank you!
Wonderful post about a difficult subject! I’m a teacher and love what Caden’s teacher (and you and his Uncles!) did for him!
Wow! What an awesome post! It made me cry, and I remember the girl on the bus who everyone made fun of. She had two younger brothers who were also made fun of. I am also haunted by the memory of those kids and now I wonder why I was not strong enough to stand up for them.
My 6 year old called his younger brother a “loser” last week. I was so shocked and surprised. I sat him down and had a chat about where he had heard that word and why we NEVER use it to call someone else a terrible name. I have worried that he would be the target of bullies because he is small for his age, wears glasses, has no sports skills, and is really smart. It all adds up to he is an adorable little nerd. Your article is very helpful.
I hope you do start that organization you dream of. The world would be better off with it.
Thank you for writing this. It’s all so true.
Look into the … BIG BROTHERS, BIG SISTERS organization….they partner high schoolers and community members with youth.
Amazing post. We need more community members who act this responsibly to teach our children that this is an intolerable thing.
Hello,
Great post. I just find it unusual that your siblings could play with him at recess? Did they sign in at the office or something because where i live that would not be allowed!!
Yep, exactly. You have to check in at the office.