10 Resolutions for 2016 – Guarantee It’s a Winner Year (he: Dan)

I really do love Christmas, but I am not the type of person who gets all soggy-faced when it’s over. In fact, I find just about as much enjoyment in taking down Christmas as I do setting it up. It is not unusual to come to the Jacobs home on December 26th and see it looking much like it would pre-Thanksgiving. Some people accuse us (mainly me) of having a bit of Grinch blood in my veins; they are right.

As much as I like Christmas, I really don’t care too much for New Years. It is yet another reason to over-eat (which I always do), stay up late (which I am having a harder and harder time doing), and deal with the nuclear fallout of overly tired children (and their grumpy parents) the day after. Also, it’s the whole New Year’s resolution forum I hold in mild disdain as well. In fact, I have boycotted the whole institution of resolution making for the last several years. The goal of resolution making should inspire me and leave me feeling better about myself, but often as I review the year and see just how quickly I dove off the resolution wagon, I can find it a bit disheartening.

Maybe I need to rethink my position about resolutions. Perhaps I set my goals too lofty; it’s possible that I have been too serious about my past resolutions. If perhaps, I were to build in a few “gimmies”, if my goals were easy enough to guaranty success… I could then build off the momentum of my wins.

I think I just had an epiphany! My pondering has inspired me. I will produce resolutions equal to my abilities. I feel a major resolution win coming for 2016.

Here are my 10 resolutions for 2016:

#1 – Yell at my kids less

I don’t have a way of really figuring out the time I actually spend with a raised voice towards my off-spring. I just know that ANY time spent yelling is too much yelling.  The way I guarantee myself success in this goal is to figure out the top reasons I am yelling at my kids and eliminate the top 2. For example, I have chosen that this year I am not going to yell at my oldest for kicking his soccer ball in the house. If he breaks my rule of no kicking balls in the house, I am simply going to confiscate his ball for the remainder of the day. No yelling. No drama. Along those same lines, if my youngest refuses to put on his pants (a daily problem) before we go somewhere, I will no longer yell at him about his lack of pants. I will simply place his trousers in the spot where I wish his butt was and hope that it will eventually find its way into them. Boom! 50% of my yelling issues have just been solved.

#2 – I will not gain any weight

I used to set annual goals to lose weight. I am tired of not achieving that goal. This year it is my goal to not GAIN weight. There is a good chance I am going to rock this goal. Think of how pleased I will be with myself if I actually come in 5 lbs UNDER my goal! I am setting myself up for another win here.

#3 – I will stop hating my fellow commuters

Classical music is the answer here my friends. Classical music makes you smarter. It will also be the wet blanket over my fiery driving temperament.  Studies have shown a 99% reduction in desire to extend your middle finger to your fellow commuters while listening to classical music.  I know this to be true; I have never been flipped off by anyone blasting Mozart or Liszt in their car. I am going to be the most intelligent and calm motorist in Utah come December 31, 2016.

#4 – I will eat one serving of raw fruit daily

I could just put down a generic “eat more healthy” for this goal, but I needed something specific and measurable here in order to win. I cannot commit to becoming a vegetarian, and I am pretty sure I am a sugar junkie, so I am going to try something simple and attainable: eat more fruit.  Fruit is full of fiber (good for the pooper), often has healthy pro-biotic properties (even better for the pooper), is a good source of energy (keeps you from being becoming pooped), and packed with anti-oxidants (keeps you from looking like poop). This goal doesn’t restrict me from anything; it simply adds something delicious, simple and healthy to my diet. It’s an easy win. I only have to consume 365 pieces of fruit in 2016.  Actually, as of this post I only have 355 left to consume.

#5 – I will allow myself 15 minutes of screen-time each day: 14 of which I will use snooping on my tween’s social media

I have a love-hate relationship with social media. Mainly I just love to hate it. I am not completely immune to its addictive effects however.   It is my solemn vow that I will take less than 15 minutes on the medium per day. I also vow to become my son’s social media and text message stalker.  I think all parents should resolve to be extra snoopy in their children’s electronic lives.

#6 – I will swear off all artificial sweeteners – and I may swear off soda entirely (this one is a toughie for me)

I have it on good authority that artificial sweeteners are entirely of the devil. I refuse to drink another Coke Zero or Cascade Natural Ice zero calorie beverage.  Like the rest of the world, I have been choking down the crap for years and lying to myself that it tastes good.  It is high time I stop lying to myself.  I think that soda in general (this coming from an admitted addict) is just plain bad.  It should come with a Surgeon General warning in my opinion.  Something along the lines of: Warning: Consuming this carbonated, overly sugared or artificially sweetened beverage is jacking you up in more ways that science can currently explain. Mark my words on this one all ye Diet Coke drinkers (I probably just made enemies with half the population of the world).

#7 – I will turn my home into a preppers’ haven

I have read enough tabloid headlines, on-line fear-mongering sites, and social media links to know that 2016 is finally going to be the year when the world ends. The Mayan’s were apparently 4 years off. I fully blame Obama; it’s the easiest thing to do. I will stock my basement with only the essentials: Slim Jim jerky, packets of fry sauce, Tony Chachere’s seasoning, and bottled tomatoes.

#8 – I will finally give in to peer-pressure and start to follow the Kardashians and Jenners

NOT! This is one resolution I fully intend to break. I suggest the entire world follow my lead here. Following these people may very well bring to pass the events I so greatly fear as described in #7.

#9 – I will star in a zero-budget community film

There is a 100% chance of this happening. Hopefully the movie comes out before I start following the Kardashians and subsequently bring to pass the end of the world.  Check out this teaser trailer for the movie “Before Your Time” coming soon to at least 1 theater very possibly not near you.  Check out this link to see all local Davis County talent make a movie. (Mariel’s note: Dan is the guy in the shirt and tie!  Look for him in the trailer below.  It’s so fun to see him in this project!!)

#10 – Work on being a good person

So here is the moment when I tie this all together and get a bit serious. I realize this goal is broad – I mean for it to be. There are many things I have aspired to become over the years, so many of which I realize were trivial and self-centered.  Life experience has had a humbling effect on me, especially over the last 10 years. Somewhere along the line my prayers and hopes gradually began to change. More than anything I want to be known of now and remembered in the future as having been a good person.  This is my desire.

Being a good person is not contingent upon good health, riches, earthly knowledge, fame or anything else I might have wished for.  Being remembered for being good will hopefully mean that I was kind, patient, quick to ask forgiveness and to forgive, selfless, service oriented and that I had a real love for the fellow children of God who inhabit this planet. I believe becoming a good person means that I will have not only met, at least to some degree or other, my annual resolutions, but more importantly my eternal resolutions. Ultimately my resolutions for 2016 should be a reflection of my desire to be a better Christian

The resolution list I have prepared this year is silly and I designed for it to be so, I am gently mocking myself and the whole resolution process in general.  I do so from a platform of self-doubt and sorrow. Sorrow that in spite of my best efforts I still fall far short of the hope I have for myself. I am sorry because God planted in my spirit a knowledge that not only do I know better, but that I AM better. So if I were to cast aside all other resolutions in this list and focus solely on #10 then I know I would make 2016 the best year of my life to date.

To any who may read this post, it is my sincere hope that 2016 is the year where you are able to achieve all of the resolutions you have made for yourself which bring you closer to becoming that better person within. Cheers!

I quote the wise words of my Great Grandfather, I will let the hope for his posterity govern my resolutions.

“If they cannot be both, I would rather my children be thoughtful of others than brilliant, kindly than clever, gentle than powerful, honest and God-fearing than eminent and successful.”  – Clarence Lunt